Autumn has definitely come to the Pacific Northwest. It crept up on us in quite a lovely fashion; sun glinting off yellow, orange and red leaves throughout the day, gentle rain showers here and there, beautiful rainbows in the evenings...high cloud cover all day, but at sunset, a glorious, saturated light cascaded over every single thing as the sun fell below the clouds. That is my favorite form of sunlight, right there; evening sun, underneath heavy, dark clouds. It's spectacular and uplifting...and all too short.
As I understand things, fall is closely followed by winter. I look to winter with what can only be called "optimistic dread;" it's a time of quiet, slow, sleepy things...candlelit baths, fires in the fireplace, baking, and snuggling. It's a time when I could take up an indoor hobby and really get something done with it. It's also a time of 7-hour-long daylight, cold temperatures, and a lot of rain. The optimist in me sees an opportunity for inner growth and improvement coupled with yummy kitchen smells. The "dread" part comes in because I know I'm going to fritter away a lot of the time doing pointless crap that has no lasting or meaningful effect.
Right now, we're in the prelude to winter - the gilt-edged early autumn has passed, and we're into the grit of it. Now, it's cloudy all day - the low-hanging clouds that don't let even the setting sun through to gently warm us for a few moments. No, these fucking clouds just hang in there, and...well, hang, really. We had a great thunderstorm a few nights ago, but since then, they've just been spitting at us, here and there. Useless hanging clouds. Blocking the sun.
I really love the sun. I like rain and clouds, too, but I'd prefer more of a 70/30 split than what we've currently got going on here. I know the land needs the water - we had yet another bad drought this summer, and even the huge, old cedar, firs and junipers are dropping a bunch of dead scales from lack of water - but I am not entirely wild about it coming all at once. I seem to be prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder, something I didn't have in Michigan, because even though the winters there are much harsher than here, there are frequent sunny days.
That's my frame of mind, folks; I'm kinda all drained out, and am in need of some full-spectrum lighting. So alright, kidlets, I have a lot of bitching and whining to do, in amidst other stuff, so let me apologize right now if this is all "poor me." I'll get over it. But this update is going to be boring, I promise you. I just don't have a whole huge bunch of ooomph to make it all interesting and clever, sorry.
I've mentioned before that I'm going back to school for my master's degree in Wildlife Science. Well, I've hit a few stumbling blocks there. I found out that I actually would not be eligible for the program without an undergraduate degree in a related field, because the program only admits 2 or 3 students per year to the master's program. Oh. Ok. So I'll go for a post-bac, then, and go about it this way. Well, the UW is currently over-enrolled by about 2200 students, and isn't admitting any post-bac students until Summer term. Fuck. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about all of this just yet. I need to get into a better frame of mind before I decide anything, but I'm not going to give it up just because it's going to be harder.
I've been watching entirely too much television of late; there are programs on every single night of the week that we watch now. It's pretty damned sad. Here's our line-up, in case anyone's interested:
Monday: Boston Public, Crossing Jordan
Tuesday: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 24
Wednesday: Ed, The West Wing
Thursday:Friends, Scrubs, Will & Grace, ER
Friday:Firefly, John Doe
Saturday:Andromeda
Sunday:Alias, The Practice
And folks, remember - we don't have cable! Can you imagine the roots we'd put into the couch if we had freaking cable?! Plus, we watch "Deep Space Nine" almost every weeknight night at 11, too. Granted, we read, surf the web, and do email oftentimes when we're planted in front of the tube, but by and large...wow. We are such potato people. Thing is...I honestly don't mind. I think this is what scares me, really - that I can let myself be mindlessly entertained for about 16 hours a week by TV. Sixteen hours is a honkload of time! I could be writing; but I seem to have developed...almost a phobia about writing for the time being. I have trips I want to write up, but I have something blocking me. This isn't the standard writer's block that I'm used to - this isn't a lack of ideas. This is having ideas, but being unable to motivate myself to write them down. It's exceptionally odd. Anyhow. I could also be reading, learning another language...Christ, I could have done just about anything with all of the hours I've spent in front of the television in the last year. Ugh! But again...strangely...I don't mind.
I don't turn the TV on during the day (unless I'm on the eliptical trainer and need something to take my mind off what I'm doing,) but neither do I do anything hugely productive. I read a lot, which is good. My editor sometimes sends me products to review, which is fun. He also torments me with reports of sunny weather in Los Angeles, and regales me with stories of how sometimes classes there are canelled on acount of light rain. I could tell you more, but I'd be Punished.
I occasionally do photo stuffs. I read email. I spend way too much time surfing around the web. I have played far too many hours of computer RPG's such as "Arcanum" and "Morrowind." I don't clean the house or bake nearly as much as I could. I don't get out as much as I should. Some days, I don't get out of my loungy clothes. I think I'm in a funk.
A lot of it is money; I don't have any. Lance is taking up so much of my slack, it's got to be bugging him. More months than not, I can't give him the full amount of rent, and he pays most of our bills now. Work isn't being kind to him lately, and he's been under a lot of pressure. This weekend will be the first weekend he hasn't worked in well over a month. Still, he is so sweet to me that when I reflect on it, I get a little misty.
Another part of the problem is having finally figured out what I want to do with my life (wildlife conservation) at the age of 32. The bitch of it is, I knew this from early childhood - I just never went after it hard enough. I let a little math and chemistry stand between me and my dreams. I took the easy road, and I am an idiot for it. I've always been magnetically drawn to animals, and I should have just buckled down and gone after my Biology degree to begin with. So many different doors would have been open to me ten years ago! Instead, I'm just getting started. Arrrgh!
Volunteering at Wolf Haven continues to be one of the best things I have ever done with my life, and gives me the motivation not to give up a second degree just because it isn't going my way. Those wolves lift my spirits like few things can when they greet me with their tails wagging, running back and forth, and exciting whining. Most of them have come around to like me, though it took some of them quite awhile to warm up. Akela and Aurora were the last two to act friendly, but even they greet me playfully, sometimes. Weekday tours stopped at the beginning of this month, so I haven't been giving tours in the last couple of weeks - I really miss it. I go down and do office work, but it's not the same as being in there with them all day. Sunday, I'm going to go down to do a few tours, and spend some quality time with my wolf friends. I really miss the hours I spent with them all summer!
We're very likely moving in July, and I'm trying to pare down my belongings even further than I already have; the last time we moved, it was a nightmare of box after box after box. Heavy boxes, too. Historically, I have held onto every book I have ever bought. Lately, however, I have been ruthlessly culling my shelves, selling books that I will either never read again, or am certain I will never read at all. It pains me to do it, but I simply have Too Much Stuff! I've sold at least a couple of hundred pounds of books over the last two months, as well as quite a few CD's. I have donated books and video games that the bookstore didn't want to libraries and other organizations. I've donated about ten trash bags full of clothing to the Good Will store. I've thrown away things that couldn't be reused or recycled. All in all, I believe I've done a damn fine job of getting rid of a lot of extra detritus, which will be key - the next house we live in will very likely not be as big as this one.
I will really hate leaving this house in many ways; it's so pretty, it's in a great location, it's fairly large, and it's secluded. Chances are, the next house won't have a lot of the charm of this one. However, it does have its down sides; no garbage disposal, no cable or satellite available, electric heat and stove, landlord living right next door, intensive yard work required, 1970's vinyl floors in the kitchen and baths. et cetera. A new house might be exciting (and cheaper - that's the big key,) and will surely have its own charms, but I really loathe moving.
I tell you what, though; having a year off has surely helped me gain some perspective. It's given me the time to slow down, figure out what's important, and make some necessary changes. It's taught me that I can live on a hell of a lot less money that I thought I could, if I keep things reasonable. It has surely given me a lot of time to recharge. I've been able to catch up on a decade of lousy sleep, for the most part, and by and large, I set my own schedule. Not bad. I can't complain, really.
So that's the boring update, folks - sorry I'm not in a more entertaining mood...
or,
