October 22, 2003
We need to have a talk here, people - and by "people," I mean anyone who has any say whatsoever about what sorts of television shows get put on the major networks.
By my reckoning, at this time next year, network TV will be nothing but crime shows, medical shows, and "real life" shows. It started out innocently enough... a little "Law & Order," a little "ER," no problem (but has anyone else noticed how every single episode of "Law & Order" is Ripped From the Headlines? Always the same thing. Always.) But then other crime shows cropped up, including (by my last count,) 87 different flavors of "Law & Order." There is now a show called "Robbery Homicide;" how fucking specific do we want to get?! Fer crying out loud, is the next step "Felony Murder Involving Jewel Thefts," or "Jay Walkers: Guys wearing berets division?" Honestly!
Seriously, we've got, just off the top of my head:
Then we've got the med shows:
The shows that aren't cop shows or hospital shows are either "reality show," a la "Survivor," "Temptation Island," "the Bachelor," "American Idol," and myriad others I haven't the stomach to write down. There are also those shows of the genres that just haven't made it; "Chicago Hope," "Ally McBeal," "Homicide: Life on the Streets," and sundry others. In the 80's we had innocent stuffs, "Hill Street Blues," and whatnot, but that didn't start The Craze. I seriously blame Dick Wolf for the absolute Crime Show Hysteria. Michael Crichton is probably responsible for the med show thing, but that's an epidemic on a slightly smaller scale.
Here is what I have to say about this.
Are you ready?
Stop it! Just stop it, already!
We have seriously reached saturation levels when a show called "Robbery Homicide" is a viable solution to a time slot dilemma. We, as a society, have very likely failed. Yesterday, when I was doing something (email or whatever,) I heard, out of the corner of my ear, something that both alarmed and disgusted me: There is a product out called...oh god help me...I just, I can't...I....[sigh] Ok, it's called (I kid you not,) Chicken Dance Elmo. It's Elmo, but...in a chicken costume. Doing the chicken dance, evidently, and they are selling it to people!!! People buy it!! ON PURPOSE!!!
It's no fucking wonder that we're polluting ourselves half to death; we don't even have the brains of a duck! We are blithering idiots, destined to suffer the fate of our own choosing; sitting through reruns of "Frank & Jerry, Museum Security Guards: Night Watch" five nights a week.
I know what you're thinking (said she, in her best Thomas Magnum voice;) turn off the fucking television! Read a book! Right? Tell me that thought didn't cross your mind. Well I'd be lying if I said I don't agree with that assessment. But sometimes, I just want to shut my brain off and Be Mindlessly Entertaining. Is it so wrong to want quality and variety in my mindless stuff? We don't get cable, so we are relegated to the Major Networks Only level of Dante's Inferno; we get ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX, WB and UPN. I'm grateful we get Fox and UPN; at least they give a little off-center stuff that's refreshing. I completley admit that I watch more than my share of television, and I even look forward to most of it. My current favorites are "Scrubs" (yes, a med show,) "ER" (yes, another med show,) "Boston Public," "The Practice" (a crime show,) "Andromeda," "West Wing," "Firefly," and "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." A lot of fluff, I know, but fun fluff. "West Wing," however, is some of the finest television I've ever seen, and I refuse to miss it, ever.
Anyhow. It's bed time. I gotta go before I get sucked into a late night show of one kind or another, and I think Carson is on next. I'll do a little reading before sleep, don't worry; I'm reading like a fiend lately. I'd like to spend some more time and vitriol on this television crisis we're in, but too sleepy now.