Heather & Airyn's Line of Fabulous Nail Polish Colours

I have long nails now. This is somewhat antithetical to the Airyn the most Michigan folks knew, and I'm still not certain how well they'll hold up to serious motorcycling, but for the past 10 months, I've had pretty well-kept nails in varying colours. I got the urge from my local Heather; I have always wanted nice nails, but mine tended to break or peel off before they even get started. But Heather showed me hers, and that pushed me over the edge. So I have nails.

After awhile, we noticed that most nail polish colours (Heather, ever the Anglo- and Francophile, demands a "u" in "colour" ("PUT THE 'U' IN THERE!" she screeches as she sits here with me, giggling)) have these overwhelmingly lurid titles, such as "Desire," "Temptations," or "Forbidden and/or Flaming Love," et cetera. One day out by the smoking area, we started to come up with our own obscene colours to mock them. Today, we resumed that activity at my desk. We started out sexual, and then rapidly crossed the line into "absolutely revolting." So naturally, I thought I'd share! Here's what we've got so far.

Big Red Knob
Shiny Dog Penis
Angry Red Zit
Mess Scarlett
Liverspot
Areola
Lividity
Engorged Throbbing Phallus
Apres BJ Lips
Airbrushed Vagina
Penthouse Tongue
Erect Nipple
Labia Minora Orchid
Junkie Bedroom Eyes
Glittering Blue Balls (metallic)
Auto-erotic Asphyxiation
Bruise
I Wanna Kill You Black (Actual colour jet black)
Hurl
Bile
Gang-green
Infection
Mildew
Chlamydia Drip
Vitamin B
Spunky Jaundice
AZO Standard
Smeared Fecal Matter
Sphincter
Ligament
Creamy Yeast Infection
The BV
Corpse

Even we know we're sick and wrong, no sense pointing it out to us.

Mom read this and immediately sent me a note, which in its entirety read:

ok, let's get right to the important part - what were you doing in the smoking area?

love,
your concerned mom

Silly mom - I was keeping Heather company - don't worry about me smoking. Lance can tell you how much I'll never ever be a smoker, believe me!

A friend who is apparently similarly sick and twisted as Heather and I are saw this today and sent this along:

Date: Wed, 17 Jan 2001 11:58:15 -0600
From: [Name withheld by request]
To: airyn
Subject: nail colors

Sounds like a contest a friend and I had a few years back; Worst name for a restaurant. IIRC "B*ttf*cked Al's House of Scrod" was the winner.

I don't know why it makes me laugh, but it always does!

Yes, indeedy - there are many fun activities to be had in the area of Bad Names for Stuff.

Flee.