Hello from Cannon Beach...

Where the weather is, um...well, fairly miserable. Heavy winds and variable rain are making the beach experience very Northwesty, but all in all, I'd prefer less wind. Or less rain. One or the other. Some bad razor clams gave Mom and me food poisoning last night, which was also very amusing. Oy. My connection here is way slow, so this will be brief. I went back yesterday and took more pictures of the houses, so friends and family can see what the surrounding neighborhoods look like.

My mom was horrified that I was contemplating a place in a trailer park - I don't think she fully understands the extent of the budget crisis I'm currently in. Cathy's house is the current top contender, if I can talk her down to about $750ish a month, and if she'll move shortly after her decision on or around February 15th. It will take a bit longer to get to work from there than from the other places, but I think it will be worth it. It's less than a half hour, so really not bad at all.

When I have a connection better than 24.0 kpbs, I'll upload the next batch of photos, perhaps later tonight. Seeya, folks.

  garbled out by airyn @ 10:31 AM

 
Houses

Ok, I lied; the photos are small enough to upload now, and I don't feel like jumping into the shower yet - the fireplace is too warm and cozy to leave.

Here's the stuff from Cathy's house, the one with the horses and dogs:

• The barn and part of the paddock
• The sizeable garage, driveway, and some of the surrounding trees
• The house itself. Nothing spectacular, but cozy inside. The front yard is entirely fenced in separate from the paddock, excellent for letting dogs out in the middle of the night, if need be.
• The neighbor across the street
• The mobile home where Cathy will move, if she decides to move. Close enough to be handy, but not right on top of me. (It's the small white strip in the background, across the pasture.
• The street the house is on. You can see it's a very rural area. Yay!

The photos from the Lacey house (the cute blue one:)

• The shitty little apartment complex directly across the street. (Taken from the end of the driveway)
• The small millworks one block away (Also taken from end of driveway)
• The neighbor to the South
• The driveway and shed

The double-wide:

• The guest bathroom
• One guest room
• Other guest room
• Kitchen
• Living Room
• "Master" bedroom
• View up the street
• View down the street

The Tenino house:

• Alley behind the house
• The neighbors in front
• The front yard
• The schools are one block away, the brown buildings behind the Trooper
• The Western neighbors
• The Eastern neighbors
• The street the house is on

That's about that. Many decisions to weigh out.

  garbled out by airyn @ 10:48 AM

 
Ah, Vacation!

This was going to be a much different weekend than it's turning out to be...I have the flu, not food poisoning as I previously thought, and the weather is just incredibly shitty. Still, I have a very nice corner room, a view of the pounding surf, cable, and limited connectivity. Things could be much, much worse. I feel bad, though, that I'm all sick when I should be out playing with my mom and her friend. Alas. But they understand that it's not as if I got sick on purpose, and are being very sweet about the whole thing. I hope I'll feel better by Tuesday, when I'm taking them through the wolf sanctuary.

I'm leaning more and more toward Cathy's house, if it can happen. I'd have no worries about pets messing anything up, the dog(s) could be let outside to the fenced yards without leashes, and I'd have cool neighbors. There would be horses around to ride, groom, and generally dote upon, and I'd be close enough to Olympia to catch movies, do serious grocery shopping, or whatever else strikes my fancy. My old boss, Mike, lives in Roy, which would be very close by, and it would be great to be able to hang out with him sometimes. I hope it comes through, although I still have to figure out my budget and everything. Kari from Wolf Haven left a message for me yesterday morning, I'll call her on Monday, and perhaps I can do an interview when I'm down there on Tuesday. I'm really crossing my fingers on this!

Anyhow, I should get off line and drink some more fluids - Mom and David are making sure I keep hydrated.

  garbled out by airyn @ 4:22 PM

 
Every now and then...

It slams into me that I had absolutely nothing to do with one of the biggest decisions of my entire life. Something that affects me on such a fundamental level...boom! Gone.

This is not to say that I had nothing to do with Lance's decision; I know that I haven't been a lot of fun for the last year. I don't hold it against him that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, but I hate it that he never tried to talk to me about any of it. Some of it was good intentions, not wanting to hurt my feelings or upset me, but he simply failed to understand the gravity of the situation. Carumba.

But seriously, everyone here is wondering - "How much longer is she going to whine and whimper and bore us all to death with this crap? Girl, get on with your life, face up to what's happened, and let it GO." I'm trying, folks, honestly I am. Part of me is even relieved that the breaking up bit is over with, because there was a small part of me before that dreaded it, lived in terror of it, because it knew that I wasn't living up to my end of things, that I was disappointing him, and that at some point, he was going to get tired of me. A very, very tiny part of me wants to cut off all contact with him, to sever everything completely; partly to "punish" him, partly to save me from...something. Hurting because I can't be all happy with him, in email or in person, and I have to be ... this way. Most of me can't not send him something I find cool, because that was something we did even before we dated. I hate this.

Anyhow. Gale winds and rain here, still; the building is shivering back and forth, and the (gas) fire is battling valiantly against the wind coming down the (non-closing) flue. Speaking of "flue," my flu bugs are still on board and partying it up. But hey, cable! I've got movies and Stuff. [weak smile] Despite the cable, I'm going marginally insane laying here in the room without much to do. Or, I should say, without being able to do much apart from stand up, fight off dizzy spell, shuffle to the bathroom, and reverse the process. Argh! This was supposed to be a fun weekend with my mom and David (and Lance, but let's stay focused here,) and here I am all gross. Hey fates! You bitches could at least have taken me out to dinner first, like, oh, two weeks ago.

(A bit later)

I think I may have just had a touch of "bargaining;" I thought to myself "please just don't let this be real anymore." Whee, this should be fun. :-\

  garbled out by airyn @ 11:02 PM

 
Quiet

I know I've been quiet for awhile, but I'm still thinking, still processing, still doing all the stuff I've been writing about previously. The anger never really came totally to the surface - I've been letting the pain and loss and grief just wash over me, flow through me, and when I notice some anger, then I notice that I've got a block somewhere in there that needs to be dismantled. Once I get it identified, it's usually easy to get rid of it.

I'm going to spend the next four days away from home - tomorrow I'm shopping for houses, and then Friday through Sunday I'll be in Cannon Beach with my mom and her friend, David. It should be very pleasant, despite inclement weather. Lance came into my room (note "my room," not "our room" anymore, sigh) to say goodbye. Reflexively, I called him "hon," and then we hugged and I wanted to cry on his shoulder but didn't. I miss holding him, I miss his physical presence, because we live completely apart even though we're in the same house. He's downstairs, I'm upstairs, and the living room is this weird kind of DMZ.

I miss him.

Anyhow. The excited parts of me are getting more and more airtime, as the house search continues. I pulled my credit reports from all three agencies, and since 1998, it's been damned good - only one or two late payments. The advent of online billing has saved my ass. I've also discovered items that didn't belong to me, so I'm contesting them. That'll help even more. I had a guy who wanted to sell me a mobile home, but I turned him down - it's just not a life I could live, especially living alone.

There will be positive elements to being on my own again, I know, but I'm still focused on the loss of all the Lance-ness. I love spending time with him so much, he just completes me, and more than a little of me hopes that someday he'll realize he's made a huge mistake, and will want to start things again. Perhaps I'm being naive, but I believe we belong together. Maybe I'm delusional.

At any rate, that's about that. It's bedtime, and house-hunting tomorrow. Wish me luck.

  garbled out by airyn @ 1:16 AM

 
What the hell is the deal with Jerry O'Connell?

Seriously, man. He sends my Gaydar into the red zone half the time, and the other half he's the total stud boy. He's a complete cutie, sort of the boy-next-door gone all growed up and purty, but I just can't get a read on him.

That's all. I just had to say.

  garbled out by airyn @ 1:58 AM

 
Further Reports from the Motel 6

I'm sorry about the whole Jerry O'Connell thing last night...I think the tequila had largely taken over at that point. Doh.

I saw five more houses today, four of which had its appeal. The first was in Lacey, a location about 15 miles away from Wolf Haven. The house itself looked interesting, but was in a pretty shitty neighborhood. There are mature trees in a large yard, a storage shed, and a large driveway, but no garage. There are two photos of the house here and here. What you can't see in the photos are the large apartment complex across the street, which seems to be of the low-income variety, and the small millworks a block away that emits a medium-pitched hum. I didn't get to go inside the house, as the landlord wasn't around, but I hope to get ahold of him and see the inside perhaps tomorrow morning before I head down to Cannon Beach to meet Mom and David.

The second house is barely worth mentioning; it was essentially a two-story cottage, painted bright white with exceptionally bright turquoise trim behind a hot tub shop and another small house occupied by three exceptionally sloppy young men. It was on a hugely busy street, was tinier than just about anything I've ever seen (except the 2-room mentione below,) and had an unpleasant smell. Not even worthy of photos.

The third was marginally better, though it too was in a trailer park as was the first I looked at last weekend. This was a double-wide manufactured home, probably 5 or 6 years old, in a very small park in Grand Mound (which is also about 15 miles away from Wolf Haven.) It has a large carport, a medium-sized storage shed (sorry about that one being sideways for now,) and a reasonably-sized lot for a trailer park.

The interior is pleasant, but not overwhelming. The walls could stand painting, and the carpets have some stains. The carpet is also a strange shade of powder blue, but it does have vaulted ceilings. The kitchen is good-sized (again, sorry about the sideways thing,) and modern. The other homes in the park aren't as nice as this one, but aren't totally stuffed right on top of each other, at least, there's some space between them. Here's the home on the other side, which is even less attractive. There is a a really nice tub in the master bathroom, as well as a skylight and a shower stall. The view out the back is nice, and there's a farm on the other side of the fence.

I was really looking forward to the fourth place. The landlady, Cathy, and I really clicked on the phone, and she told me that she lives with nine dogs and three horses. She has a good-sized barn, and is really sweet. The problem was, she described the place as "about 700 square feet, adjoined to the main house." It was formerly a master suite, and part of the house, but she walled it off to rent out. Her description really didn't do it justice...We walked into the front door of the place, and directly into the kitchen/bathroom. No kidding! The toilet is right next to the door, the shower next to the toilet, and the sink next to that. On the adjoining wall is the stove and refridgerator. The next room is about the size of our guest room at the current house, and serves as the bedroom/living room. Wow. There would be no way to fit anything I own in there, and I was crushed. I'd brought carrots and apples for the horses, so we went out and did that, she showed me the barn, and we bonded more. She then mentioned that she was thinking of moving out of the house and into the one she owns next door. Hmmm. She's going to decide by February 15th, which isn't an unreasonable time frame, really, just longer than I'd like to wait. She showed me the house, and it wasn't bad; mud room, laundry room, decent kitchen, smallish living room, two small bedrooms, one larger bedroom, and a bathroom. Nothing fancy, and definitely well lived-in by 9 hounds and a woman who is less than fastidious about her housecleaning (even I noticed, and I don't see clutter like most people.) (Seriously, unless I specifically look for clutter, I just don't notice it usually.)

She said she was thinking of asking $800 for it, and if I could talk her down to $750, I think it would probably be at the top of my list. Dogs and cats wouldn't be any kind of problem, and I'd be around three horses; a 23-year-old Tennesee Walker named Bubba, a similarly-aged Arabian mixed mare, and a gorgeous 3-year-old Arabian gelding (only recently gelded, though, and is just way full of piss and vinegar at this point.) I'm hoping to run back there tomorrow to get some photos, because I was too busy petting things to take pictures of anything today. There's a garage, the barn for storage, and the house is completely fenced in; one goes through the paddock to the door, and there's a separately-fenced front yard for dogs if they don't want to be around horses. Virtually no lawn upkeep, as the critters take care of that. Neato! I could probalby begin moving my things down there and put them into the barn, temporarily.

The final house is very nice, too, but is also $800. It's right in Tenino, only about 6 miles from Wolf Haven, and is very cute on the outside. It has a huge garage, and is relatively good-sized. The house isn't huge itself by any means, but probably adequate. The garage would accommodate much storage, and has a little workbench thing. The clawfoot tub would be awesome for baths, but very weird for showers. The living room is gigantic, and has a pellet stove for heat (it's apparently the primary heat source for the house, which might be weird, but there are zone heaters in the bedrooms.) The kitchen is very 70's, with light green vinyl counters and the like. No dishwasher, but I could put a portable in. The owners are ok with pets and dogs, and would even let me build a fenced-in kennel area if I wanted to. Neat! There are a few bad points, though; the elementary, middle, and high schools are a block behind the house - though I can't imagine Tenino has a huge amount of kids, they would be around, walking to and from school. Some of them undoubtedly live right in the neighborhood. If this house were $700, I'd snap it right up, even though the third bedroom is too small to be of much use other than storage.

Whew. Decisions, decisions. I tell you what, those crafty wenches The Fates aren't making this process terribly easy for me. But, my beautiful friends assuredly are; their generous loan pool will allow me to give the landlord their first and last months' rent, as well as a security deposit. I would have had to wait quite awhile before moving if they hadn't done this for me, and I am eternally in their debt!

I'm hoping for the Cathy/horse house to work out, but am not entirely convinced it will. It's such a great, warm place with really friendly people in the neighborhood. And hey - horses that I could ride! And groom! And a house I wouldn't worry about the pets messing up the carpeting and such. A very cool landlady for a neighbor (in this case, not a problem at all,) and all kinds of other good things. Right on. But what is it with this state that there are no basements??!! Haven't they caught on that basements are damned handy? Alas.

Tomorrow, a bit more poking around the area in the morning, and then I'm off to the Oregon Coast for a few days' vacation. I may have connectivity there, or not, we'll see.

  garbled out by airyn @ 9:56 PM

 
Connections & Disconnects

So as I was sitting in the lovely Centralia Motel 6 last night, I was absolutely assaulted by rushes of memories, associations and sundry other little things that are associated with Lance, or that only Lance would appreciate. Ferinstance, we both liked the character of Ainsley Hayes on the TV show "The West Wing;" however, the actress left the show because she felt Ainsley didn't have enough airtime or chances for advancement. She became a more prominent co-star on "CSI: Miami," which I've seen all of twice, including last night. Last night, however, Ainsley (I don't know her real name, and I'm too lazy to look it up at the moment) wasn't there. She has been replaced. OH the irony! Left to get more airtime, now has no airtime. Hee. Greedy, greedy. Similarly, the janitor from "Scrubs" showed up on ... some other show ... as a state trooper, something Lance would also get a kick out of.

I also felt adrift, because usually when I check into a hotel, I call Lance to connect, let him know I arrived and have settled in, see how he is. None of that last night. I found myself wondering where he was, what he was doing, and realized it was none of my damned business, and never will be again.

I was further bummed out by the house appointment I had that evening. The house was absolutely lovely - 3 bedrooms, 2 baths (including a luxurious soaking tub,) skylights in each bathroom, huge kitchen with lots of storage, family room, living room, nice sage green carpeting, stylish kitchen floor, all brand spanking new for $750/month. However, it is in a manufactured home park, where the neighbors are 20 feet apart, and everyone knows everyone else's business, can hear everything, and there is no privacy to save anyone's life. I couldn't stand that, not after the calm, peaceful setting here. No way.

The good news was that the Executive Director of Wolf Haven was pleased that I applied for the available position, so I am cautiously optimistic on that front. It will pay absolutely squat, but as I mentioned before (I think) I won't have much of a social life, at least for awhile, so I can just work my ass off.

I have a hell of a time sleeping in hotels, so I took extra Klonopin to knock me out. It worked perfectly, but before it put me to sleep, it allowed me to get a first-hand dose of something I have never fully understood. I never got the whole "get drunk and call your ex a 4am in the morning and tell them you love them and need them and can't live without them and that you'll do anything, anything, please just take you back." Well, I very nearly picked up the phone at 11pm and did something almost close to that, because my inhibitions were already asleep. That wouldn't have been good for anyone, so fortunately I resisted the urge. I do admire Lance's strength in sticking to his guns on this - it can't be easy to watch someone you love in pain and traumatized and crying and packing and stressing and not really understanding what's going on and everything else. It would be hard for me not to give in to that, to give things another try. If he's met someone else, then that would surely ease the process for him, though. Point being, however, that even though some people are saying unflattering things about him, he is a good person, I still love him, and I am impressed. It's not the choice I would make, it's not what I want, but I have to admire it.

But back to the Klonopin, because it was so very nice; being pulled down to inevitable sleep is something I so very rarely experience - I have to battle wakefulness every step of the way. But last night, with the extra drugs, the gentle but insistent and irresistable tugging of the Klonopin ever so slowly dragged me down, down into a soft, comfortable semi-consciousness that was akin to bliss - that moment when I knew I was about to fall easily asleep, and there wasn't a thing that was going to stop me, not even the sumo wrestlers doing wind sprints upstairs. It was amazing, and I wish I could do it at will, like Lance and so many others do. No tossing and turning and thrashing around for hours. Just....sleep. Easy, like a sigh. Wonderful. I think I understand how people get addicted to sleeping pills.

We'll see what tonight holds, with the regular dose of medicine. I should probably get into beddy clothes and start to wind down from agonizing over The House Decision. [sigh] I suspect I'll be bitter about that for a short while, but ultimately, I'll feel better for not having rented it. Dammit.

  garbled out by airyn @ 12:24 AM

 
Decisions, Decisions...

I found the perfect house in a really shitty spot that's close to Wolf Haven, and I found a mediocre house in a perfect spot that's almost as far from Wolf Haven as I am now. I almost didn't call on that one; the ad read: "On Riffe Lake, 3BR, 2ba, 2 car gar, view, 1 acre, private boat launch." I figured it'd be at least $1000/month. However, at the last minute, I decided it couldn't hurt to ask. The answer? $600/month. The cheapest one I'd looked at yet. 1300 square feet, not bad. Has a dishwasher, decent kitchen, snack bar, excellent storage in the bathroom, and the garage is the size of many barns. However, it's in the middle of absolutely no where, honestly, you can't even believe it. The drive to anywhere is lovely, and I'd be at the edge of a wilderness area with this as my view from the (enormous) deck. Mt. Rainier is supposed to be there, but it's socked in by clouds, and isn't clear here. I'm leaning heavily toward this home. It's just such an incredible deal, with a really cool landlady.

The trouble is, though, that's it's 40 miles from anywhere. Seriously, anywhere. Here, look at the map to Wolf Haven from the "town" of Mossyrock. No large grocery stores, obviously no pizza delivery, no conveniences at all. There aren't even any real side streets; there's a main street a few blocks long, a short street with the schools on it, and that's about it. A few houses here and there. There's a small grocery store, an espresso joint (it may be the sticks, but it is still, after all, the PNW,) a tavern, and a few other stuffs. The town is called Mossyrock, and here are a few pertinent facts:

The population of Mossyrock is approximately 452.
The approximate number of families is 209.
The amount of land area in Mossyrock is 1.127 sq. kilometers. (!!!)
The amount of surface water is 0 sq kilometers. (but the home is on a lake, obviously)

452 people. And the house isn't even in Mossyrock, it's about 6 miles East of there. It would take about an hour to get to Wolf Haven, though the drive is scenic (most of it.) It currently takes me anywhere from 1.5 hours to 2.5 hours to get there, so it would be an improvement, but it would me a radical change in my lifestyle - but that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. I could have a dog, and if I get the job at Wolf Haven, I could even take the dog with me to work - everyone else does this, and it's so cool. Shortly, I'll have more photos posted in this folder, if anyone's interested.

The house looks pretty ugly from the outside, but the garage...my god the garage is HUGE, and the house is on an acre of land. Very big yard. Amazing. I think I'm willing to make the commute. The landlord and lady live not too far away, but apparently are very hands-off and haven't come to the house in the 4 months the current tennants have been there. They aren't moving out until the 15th of February, though, so that means I would have to wait a month before moving...but that might be workable.

Oh, agonize...Course, I know in my heart what I really want to do, it's just a matter of figuring out the practicalities. I just can't believe that this house might be possible for me, if everything comes together!

More later, gotta put up the pictures.

  garbled out by airyn @ 5:43 PM

 
Fret!

Another person is also applying for the house, but I hope I can charm Brenda into renting it to me, even though my past credit has been less than stellar. Wish me luck!

  garbled out by airyn @ 7:42 PM

 
Fek. I don't think I can do it.

I don't think I can live in The Amazing House. As beautiful and perfect as the setting is, it goes against everything I believe in as a person who is working to improve the environment. As my initial excitement about the place started to dim slightly, I started thinking about the ethics involved in living there - not only would I have to commute over 100 miles every day (consuming much gas and producing more air pollution,) but I would be contributing to what I rail against so often - the encroachment of human habitats into the wilderness. It isn't as if I'm going to build a new house and personally raze the land - the house is there, and someone is going to live in it; why not me? I would appreciate the setting so very much, it would rest my soul, fill my spirit, completely overwhelm and humble me.

The woman who showed me the house said she had 40 elk in her yard this morning, and that bald eagles nested nearby. The view is obviously spectacular, and it would do my spirit wonders to be surrounded by that on a daily basis. It would be amazing and incredible. It would be affordable. I could have cats and dogs. The landlords stay away. I could deduct home improvements (fixtures, whatever) from the rent. I would be free to do with the landscaping what I would. The neighborhood is quiet and uncrowded, populated mainly by very nice retired people. But how can I possibly ask others to make sacrifices to better the environment if I myself am not willing to make them?

Fuck.

It sucks out loud that this sacrifice impacts my life in a huge way, and yet the overall impact to the environment and to the way people think will be completely insignificant. "It's unfair!" yells my inner four-year-old, jumping up and down. "NO FAIR!" And she's right; it isn't fair, but it's the right thing to do. However, if I don't try my best to uphold my own beliefs, how can I ask others to? My friends on an email list expressed concern chiefly about the time and effort involved in the hour-long commute to Wolf Haven, and they were right - it's a large time and financial investment, but I wasn't overly-concerned about that. I've had long commutes before, longer than this, and while they weren't the best parts of my day, they were fine - I like to drive. They started getting my environmentalist self a bit more riled, but not loud enough to really be considered in the big picture yet. But then my friend Katherine sent me a message, asking me specifically about these issues that were swarming around in my head, but which hadn't quite overcome the very selfish part of me which just desperately wants this house. Katherine's entire message was well-worded, as usual, but this line kept reverberating in my head:

"I personally love the forest, and I love the countryside. That's why I don't live there. If we all lived there, it wouldn't be forest or farms anymore, it would be subdivisions. People imagine they can move to the woods and slam the door shut behind them, stop anyone else from joining them."

I think Katherine knows that I know this, but I think she also realized that I needed a stern reminder to snap me out of the bedazzlement of finding such a prize. I was (and still am) utterly enchanted with the place, and giving it up for the right reasons is so hard.

Kermit the Frog had it right when he said, "it isn't easy being green."

  garbled out by airyn @ 10:30 PM